ModernMom?

It's 2 am, which is scandalously late for the owner of a four-month old baby to be online and, gasp, working. And I've had guests over tonight. And a glass or two of Shiraz. So I should be sleeping right now. But I can't until I figure out why this silly article "How to Get a Man to Do Housework" on www.modernmom.com has my nursing bra in a twist.

My husband does not do housework. Period. There is no pretense to housework. He feels no more obligation to clean the house than he does to, say, speak Latvian. There is no apology. There is no guilt, no guile. "Me? Speak Latvian?," he'll ask quizzically. You can understand why this type of article would be of no interest to me. But, given the late hour, the Shiraz and the pre-and post-guest tidy up, I was intrigued by the promise. And the article is written by a guy so it's bound to offer a privileged glimpse into the complex reasons why a man does not want to mop and how a loving but not issue-free wife could use these insights to help him want to mop better and more frequently.

So yeah I read it. And no surprise the writer, Marty Friedman, is a bit of knucklehead: "Most men will take on a few additional chores around the house if they are respectfully asked and not second-guessed and criticized for what they do. They are even more likely to do household chores if they can choose what they do, and do it without being monitored and criticized." But I expected Marty to say something knuckleheady that. The nagging wife defense predates Archie Bunker; this is not a new strategy. It's actually pretty predictable. And in my view a red herring. Men, or at least my man, don't do housework because they don't want to. They'd rather read The Atlantic or Esquire or download music or zone out in front of Rockstar SuperNova. And who the hell wouldn't?

At our house it's like that trust-building game where a person falls backwards, eyes closed, certain in the knowledge someone will catch them. The non-houseworking man knows this deeply and has cleverly applied the principle to housework. He knows that someone will always pick up the socks, load/unload the dishwasher, find the source of the bad smell in the fridge, etc. So why are we still blaming wives? I'm not going all Naomi Wolfe or Norma Jean here. I'm just looking for a little honesty. I'd rather hear "Uh I don't feel like doing (insert chore) because I'd rather (insert leisure activity)" than be led to believe it's perversely my fault he doesn't want to do anything around the house. I think Marty needs to take a closer look at his motivation, don't you?

For more insightful and inspiring stories about love and marriage also read "Put some sizzle back into your Friday nights" and "A new idea to communicate better with your guy". Sheesh. Maybe the gals at www.modernmom.com need to rethink the first half of their name. OK, now I can sleep.